Wiggle It

I have two grandmothers still kicking around known affectionately as "Good Grammy" and "Bad Grammy". I was talking to Bad Grammy a couple of nights ago on the phone and we were chit chatting about her upcoming great-grandson's arrival. I was moaning about my whale like appearance and generally feeling bad for myself, when my grandmother brightened the conversation with this little gem of a story that I felt needed to be shared. The following conversation is pretty much a direct quote.

"Well, I don't know about you, but when I was pregnant with your uncle (thank God not my father), I was so horny all the time I could hardly stand it," said Gram nonchalantly.

I was a little shocked but ever since she made some lewd comment about an innocent bottle of olive oil that was in my kitchen, we have had a few frank conversations such as these, which I totally enjoy. I said I didn't think that my moods were quite the same as hers during this pregnancy, especially in the last few weeks. Then I made a vague comment that since I am in the rather awkward stage where putting your own undies on can be a challenge, any other gymnastic like moves were less than graceful.

Then came the most truthful description of third trimester sex I have yet to hear or read about,

"Well, if you both just wiggle around enough, it will find it's way there."

I couldn't agree with the horny old beast more. Thanks for the words of wisdom, Gram.

Muggy Moist Mama

Good Lord, it should be against the laws of nature to be in your last trimester during the summer. Especially now that I have more square footage, it is like being in Hades only this is no myth. I am a person who is generally warm and has always felt the heat a bit more than others but there is nothing like being a blast furnace 24 hours a day. I suppose this is preparing me for menopause-every other unpleasant aspect of pregnancy seems to have some double entendre behind it.

To help beat the heat, my mother bought me two new pairs of pyjamas the other day. I know things have changed because I now wear to bed almost every night my pj's that are either yellow or baby blue with "cute" little flowers all over and some lace trim. And I don't give a shit because they fit and they keep me cool. I have even gone so far to consider wearing them around the house this summer if it is hot (and I am alone)-times are a changing. If you see me wearing a sweatsuit with a howling wolf on the front and a fanny pack after I have the baby, please someone talk to me.

Pre-Natal Nonsense

Last night Iain and I headed over to the ever classy Brookside Mall (how is that place still in business?!) to the VON clinic for our first of 4 pre-natal classes. I didn't really want to go since I have read a lot about all of this preggy stuff and everyone has been more than kind sharing their personal highlights but I felt that if I didn't go, I would be missing out on some essential nugget of information that would stand between me having 47 hours of labour or a relatively smooth ride.

Okay, so what I didn't like:

• Icebreakers - like if I see someone I might actually want to talk to, I am not capable of making contact on my own? Like asking someone stupid survey questions is going to open up the doors of friendship? How some moronic social reject who doesn't know how to initiate a conversation convinced all seminar leaders this was the way to make a room full of strangers comfortable is beyond me.
• Of course the labour movies. I just never really want to see a naked woman moaning and groaning as she squirts a baby (and other stuff) out. I don't think I need to elaborate on this topic.
• The bloody, gut covered baby being placed on the mother. I may feel different when it happens to me, but I have waited 9 months for this baby and another 2 minutes will probably be okay while he gets a quick bath. Plus nothing that has come out of that part of my body has ever smelled that great...
• Pretty much everyone in my class but I need another class to focus more on who I dislike the most.

What I did like:

• The beanbag replicas of babies that showed how big they were and weighed the same amount corresponding to how many weeks you were pregnant. I finally gained some respect from Iain when he saw these. He was horrified at how heavy the 40 week old baby was and it was a whopping 7 pounds. I am pretty sure your fundus doesn't grow 8cm in one month if you are having a 7 pounder.
• All of the talk about blood clots. Iain has a horror of womanly blood clots and I was pleased that the word was said at least 7 times. My personal favourite was when we were told to expect clots the size of toonies after you give birth but to be concerned if clots the size of plums appear. I couldn't stop laughing.
• The breathing techniques for labour. I figured this was actually useful and I found it slightly funny listening to everyone huff and puff.
• Iain listening and learning and looking slightly horrified at all the talk of ripping, tearing, leaking, afterbirth and contractions.
• The cheesy husband and wife in the labour movie who slow danced their way through contractions in the hospital hallway and culminated with him getting down on his hands and knees to be a "table" for his wife to lean on to get through a particularly rough patch. I would absolutely kill myself laughing if Iain did this.

Anyway, that was the night in a nutshell.

The Set-Up

Last week, a couple of us were hanging out in the halls at work, keeping our eyes on the demons, when one of the girls I work with mentioned going out for dinner this week. We have done this before, so I wasn't suspicious and willingly agreed. I sauntered into the Back Nine tonight, expecting to see 2 of my co-workers, not eight! For a woman who has precious little control of her bladder as it is, it was a surprise in more ways than one.

Once I settled in and my heart resumed it's normal beating, I was handed an envelope. It was signed by everyone on the grade 8 team and a few honorary members along with a totally unexpected and very generous gift certificate to the Co-op. I will be gleefully stocking up on more baby supplies on my next trip there. A big thank-you for coming out for dinner (not sure if I can emphasize how much of a miracle that is for exhausted middle school teachers, especially on a Monday night!) and the wonderful gift certificate. You guys are all wonderful. By the way, I had to post a blog about this because the topic of this site came up so now I know everyone is going to check to make sure I mentioned it!!

I had another check-up today and I am pleased to report that all is well. I got back the results of my gestational diabetes test and I am in the clear. I was a little worried about this as both my father and my maternal grandmother have diabetes, but everything checked out. My doctor measured my fundus (I love how that sounds kind of kinky) and instead of it progressing it's usual 3 or 4cm, it had extended 8cm since last month, which was quite a stretch. I have been walking lots and eating quite healthy, so to quote my doctor, "that is one big baby in there". Great, too bad I didn't have a big, loose you know what to go with that.

Wednesday is my first pre-natal class and I am sure I will absolutely hate most of the people in my class, so I will keep you posted.

Baby Bling

Well, just when I thought the stroller and the playpen were taking up a lot of room in the house, I have come to the realization that this was just the tip of the iceberg for baby paraphernalia.

Last night, my lovely friends came to my house to celebrate the anticipated arrival of our baby in August. Yes, I had my first baby shower. And yes, it is just as awkward opening up baby gifts in front of a crowd as it was bridal shower gifts and wedding gifts. But like all of the above, it is pretty darn nice and thoughtful of the people you care for to do this for you. I have spent all afternoon admiring the presents and trying to find a spot for everything. This whole baby thing became a lot more real after last night. A big thank-you to all who attended and a hug and kiss to Kristi and Suzanne for organizing the whole thing. I truly enjoyed the evening, especially once I realized we were indeed NOT going to play charades or do any other kind of improv acting. I have always found it strange that for someone who likes to show off as much as I do that acting out a word reduces me to nervous shambles.

Anyway, I am pretty tired out today, Iain is at my uncle's house pretending to be a carpenter and I think I should enjoy one of my last few lazy Sunday afternoons to myself - I hear they are going to be few and far between in the future!

Thanks again to everyone - I have been smiling and cooing over soft baby things all day!!