Pre-Natal Nonsense

Last night Iain and I headed over to the ever classy Brookside Mall (how is that place still in business?!) to the VON clinic for our first of 4 pre-natal classes. I didn't really want to go since I have read a lot about all of this preggy stuff and everyone has been more than kind sharing their personal highlights but I felt that if I didn't go, I would be missing out on some essential nugget of information that would stand between me having 47 hours of labour or a relatively smooth ride.

Okay, so what I didn't like:

• Icebreakers - like if I see someone I might actually want to talk to, I am not capable of making contact on my own? Like asking someone stupid survey questions is going to open up the doors of friendship? How some moronic social reject who doesn't know how to initiate a conversation convinced all seminar leaders this was the way to make a room full of strangers comfortable is beyond me.
• Of course the labour movies. I just never really want to see a naked woman moaning and groaning as she squirts a baby (and other stuff) out. I don't think I need to elaborate on this topic.
• The bloody, gut covered baby being placed on the mother. I may feel different when it happens to me, but I have waited 9 months for this baby and another 2 minutes will probably be okay while he gets a quick bath. Plus nothing that has come out of that part of my body has ever smelled that great...
• Pretty much everyone in my class but I need another class to focus more on who I dislike the most.

What I did like:

• The beanbag replicas of babies that showed how big they were and weighed the same amount corresponding to how many weeks you were pregnant. I finally gained some respect from Iain when he saw these. He was horrified at how heavy the 40 week old baby was and it was a whopping 7 pounds. I am pretty sure your fundus doesn't grow 8cm in one month if you are having a 7 pounder.
• All of the talk about blood clots. Iain has a horror of womanly blood clots and I was pleased that the word was said at least 7 times. My personal favourite was when we were told to expect clots the size of toonies after you give birth but to be concerned if clots the size of plums appear. I couldn't stop laughing.
• The breathing techniques for labour. I figured this was actually useful and I found it slightly funny listening to everyone huff and puff.
• Iain listening and learning and looking slightly horrified at all the talk of ripping, tearing, leaking, afterbirth and contractions.
• The cheesy husband and wife in the labour movie who slow danced their way through contractions in the hospital hallway and culminated with him getting down on his hands and knees to be a "table" for his wife to lean on to get through a particularly rough patch. I would absolutely kill myself laughing if Iain did this.

Anyway, that was the night in a nutshell.